Going Dark

For awhile now, like awhile, I’ve been feeling pretty stagnated in a lot of ways. I haven’t really been doing exactly what I want to be doing. I haven’t felt like I’ve been getting the things I want to get out of life. There are some things that are going well, but in the majority of my life, I feel like there is more to be accomplished and explored.

I’ve realized over the course of time–and especially once I graduated college–that I’m a doer through and through. I have to be doing something for my soul to be nourished. (And yeah, cue the eye roll. I did just bring my soul into this. Even to me that sounds a lil over the top, but at the same time it feels true.) And that “something” has to be meaningful and worthwhile. I have to see the value in whatever it is I’m doing for it to really feel nourishing to the deeper part of who I am as a person. I’m constantly wondering: How does this thing I’ve created or researched or helped support have a place in and affect the larger culture and world? I’ve had projects that have been incredibly meaningful in this way—all of them were pro bono and this was okay with me because I saw the value and greater purpose to having them in the world. When I’m a part of projects like this, I thrive.

I guess the easiest way to describe this feeling is to call it the “something else.” I feel like I’m searching for the “something else” in my life. You know, trying to figure out what my purpose on this earth is. Trying to figure out where I fit into the greater landscape of culture and society. Trying to figure out how to leave my mark on the world in a way that makes it better for future generations.

That is a mighty task for a twenty-three-year-old. That isn’t lost on me. And sometimes I wonder why I’m putting this sort of pressure on myself. But, I don’t know! I just feel it, which tells me that the pressure is there for a reason. I suppose I’m hopeful that the pressure will lead me to do great things.

But, as I started this post, I feel stagnated in this task. I haven’t felt like I’ve been very successful in staying focused on the things that are important to me, the things that I know will offer the type of nourishment I need to feel happy and content.

So all of that is to say that I need to make a change.

I’m going dark.

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A setting sun . . . get it?!

I’m cutting social media off for awhile. I’ve set my sights on a year. And then from there . . . who knows.

I’ve done little social media cleanses in the past, but only for a few days to a few weeks at a time. Every time—after a few days of them—I start to regain some energy and perspective back into those “something-else”-type pursuits. I start writing more, I have less anxiety, and there are less distractions.

Really, that’s the biggest thing: Social media is distracting as hell. And often not in a positive way. With cutting it out for a longer while, I’ll start to have more free time to explore some of the ideas that have been sitting in my brain for months. Because yeah, I’ve been thinking about projects and pursuits that would be worthwhile for me to start. But for a variety of reasons I haven’t yet gotten serious about them. I haven’t been doing anything, which is the foundation of my unrest.

There are some hopes I have for this dark period.

  1. I hope that I can actually stick to this. I hope that after a few weeks it will be my new normal and that it won’t really feel like a difficult thing.
  2. I hope that I’ll regain my motivation to write creatively. Lately it’s been a lot of journaling—which is good and necessary in its own right—but my creative spirit has withered into a stark shadow of its former self. I hope to get that back, to write more of what I want to write, or to create a new type of creative spirit founded on the person I am today.
  3. I hope that throughout this time I can really hone in on what I want out of life. I hope that I can plan for my future in a way that I have yet to do, by making achievable goals and milestones for myself. This will no doubt be an ongoing thing throughout my life in general, but I hope this time can be a stepping stone to learning how to do it and to actually starting the process.
  4. I hope that I can explore some of the periphery projects that I’ve been thinking about for months now. I hope to start researching and creating an actionable plan to make them a reality.
  5. I hope I can get out in the world more, too. With less screen-time, hopefully it will be a good opportunity to get back to the basics of living in the here and now. I feel with all my being that being more present-minded is something I can improve on.

So, that’s that.

If the writing things go as I hope, I’ll be on here—this blog—to post more often than I have in the recent past.

The bottom line is that I hope I can become a better version of myself.

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P.S. If you’re reading this and you know me in the real world, please reach out to me via non–social media channels! Like, call me or something! I still want friendship!

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